Back to Work: Back to Reality

After a very long Eid Holiday, yesterday I (and millions of people in Indonesia) get back to work. 
Since the holiday begin, I know that there would be an endless and chaotic hours on day 1, because the holiday is too long for me (or the industry i currently work). And guess what? It's true!

The Day 1

My day began with me waking early because I really want to go back cooking for me and my family. I once have that routine, months ago actually, before Rana was born. But now that Rana is already eat what we eat (can believe she's turning 1 last month!), I decided to go back cooking! It's therapeutic for me. Everytime I spend my morning early, cooked, and maybe make time for read some pages of books, write to do list for the day, and drink a cup of coffee, my day mostly went better. So I did that.

I cooked chicken soup and fried tempeh because it's the most easy things. The simplest cooking I could do in minutes. So happy when Rana ate passionately, the biggest achievement for me as a mom: my daughter loving my cooking. 

So after the breakfast, and ready to work at 9, I start opening my emails (endless emails) and to do list, do some sync with my co-working through Telegram, did every single things I missed on holiday, I'm already feeling exhausted on the lunch break, but I can't stop, still so many things to do and I don't want to work after 5, I want my time with Rana. 

I somehow made it to work till 5PM. It's because I ask my mom to play with Rana after lunch break :').

So I survive the day 1. Did almost all of my checklist for the day. I could even manage to post on my Instagram about my point of view from a book I currently read. Set Boundaries, Find Peace.

You can check the post here

I bought the book from Google Playbook with a very great deal anyway! it's only 32K IDR, the normal price for paperback version here in Indonesia would is 300K the last time I check :')

Then come today. The Day 2. 

I wake up early (2 days strike is a big win for me). I buy some fresh vegetables from warung near my house. I cooked and finished before 8AM, bathe Rana, then I feel something, euuugh, it's my period day 1. and somehow I feel soooo demotivated all day, I really want to ask to have a day off but I couldn't. I can't leave all the never ending task. But even when I'm there, I feel like a zombie. I hate feeling like this every time I got my period. 

To make it even worse I forgot that there's a meeting at the end of the day, with my boss, my boss's boss, and my team did not even ping me or chat me or looking out for me. It is after the meeting ends, they finally realize I was not there. I'm so disappointed at first, I even cried. But then I realize, it's my fault, not them. 

I realize that being left out like that makes me a feel a little of me myself. I feel like even if I was not there, everything would be fine. And maybe it is. So, yeah, today is just one of a bad day at work that I haven't feel for quite a long time. 

I reopen a book on my Google Playbook, its No Hard Feeling by Liz Fosslien. On of the chapter of the book was about communication, and a subchapter Crying at Work. I read at that page and feel a little bit better because I know I'm not the only employee who cry at work, well it actually cry at home because I did work remotely. 

I write about the book here, it's a great book with a visually pleasing illustration and graphics. 

But anyway, one thing that I love from my breakdown today is: I'm not desperately looking out for available job outside or thinking of resigning. I just retreat, turn off my phone, cry, turn on my phone once I think I'm okay, and then I write. 

Maybe I will feel better tomorrow, or I could be worsen too. But I guess life (and work) couldn't be always rainbow and butterfly, right? sometimes we feel like this too. Feeling like an outsider, feeling that myself, my work is not enough, and feeling not okay at work and that's okay, I suppose.